I have a confession to make.
I am deathly afraid of miscarrying. This baby, little baby Squirtle as my sister has decided, is very important to me already. I've only known about Squirtle a couple of weeks, and already I'm worried about losing him. Miscarriage is one of the silent shames that women all over the world deal with. My co-worker experienced 2 in six months. My friend Audrey recently miscarried.
Life is so fragile. Life is so fleeting.
When Justin puts his hand on my stomach and smiles up at me in that infectious way, my heart jumps into my throat. This baby is proof of our love, as cheesy as it sounds. What does it mean, when a living symbol of a relationship dies? I know that some relationships can't handle the loss of a baby, or even a miscarriage. Can ours weather that storm?
It's a question I never hope to have an answer to.
The loss of a child is a serious thing.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Boom! You're Pregnant
It was sort of a shock to see the faint pink line on the test. You had to tilt the whole thing to the left, cross your eyes and let the light hit it just right... but it was there. Pregnant. Juuuust barely.
'Come look at this!' I called to my husband.
He declared he had no desire to see my pee on a stick.
I walked out of the bathroom and shoved it in his face.
'I don't see anything!' He said.
'It's there! I'm pregnant!'
And that was that. Another life, growing inside me.
We hadn't really been trying, honestly. It's just that we stopped not trying to have a baby. We felt like, if something like that happened, we could handle it. We felt prepared. This feeling rapidly evaporated as I looked at the first positive test.
Another life, growing inside me.
Four additional tests showed positive, so I gave up and called my doctor. They congratulated me and scheduled an appointment- 5 weeks away. I will be at 9 weeks, approximately. I will have a sonogram. Maybe seeing this little life inside me will make it feel more real? Maybe hearing a heartbeat will do it. Maybe the ever constant nausea will cause me to realize that I will be a mother soon.
In the mean time, I'm trying to force myself to relax. Don't worry, Hope! Be relaxed... Little Baby needs a comforting place to stay for a few months, before meeting the world.
Another life. Growing inside me.
'Come look at this!' I called to my husband.
He declared he had no desire to see my pee on a stick.
I walked out of the bathroom and shoved it in his face.
'I don't see anything!' He said.
'It's there! I'm pregnant!'
And that was that. Another life, growing inside me.
We hadn't really been trying, honestly. It's just that we stopped not trying to have a baby. We felt like, if something like that happened, we could handle it. We felt prepared. This feeling rapidly evaporated as I looked at the first positive test.
Another life, growing inside me.
Four additional tests showed positive, so I gave up and called my doctor. They congratulated me and scheduled an appointment- 5 weeks away. I will be at 9 weeks, approximately. I will have a sonogram. Maybe seeing this little life inside me will make it feel more real? Maybe hearing a heartbeat will do it. Maybe the ever constant nausea will cause me to realize that I will be a mother soon.
In the mean time, I'm trying to force myself to relax. Don't worry, Hope! Be relaxed... Little Baby needs a comforting place to stay for a few months, before meeting the world.
Another life. Growing inside me.
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