Oh, Lily, I feel like a terrible mama.
I've been trying to 'sleep-train' you, so you can go to sleep without me, or the boob, or someone holding you, or just passing out from sheer exhaustion. I tried doing this in a way that would be tears-free, and it didn't work. I am not one to have a lot of patience, and this method required so much of it! So I caved, and we started the 'Cry-It-Out' method. This involves routine, routine, routine. I changed things up to make your bedtime routine as calm and peaceful as possible. Now, after dinner, you have a bath, play a little bit, and then at 8 o'clock, it's booby, book and bed. I try to put you in your bed awake but sleepy, I give you a hug and a kiss and tell you I love you, and then I walk away.
Every time I walk away, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. You stand up. You start to wail, and then scream hysterically as I pass over the threshold of your room. I get out of sight and then I wait. Lately, you don't cry for long, but those tears are like little knives in my heart. My mind knows that I am trying to help you learn to sleep on your own! Mommy and Daddy need sleep, and co-sleeping isn't doing the trick anymore. When you are in the bed with us, you want to play and explore. You spit up on our sheets, and on our pillows, and on us. You wake frequently, and you talk. When you sleep in your own bed, you don't do most of these things. You sleep! It just takes some extra time and effort for this to work. It hurts now, and it seems sad now, but I know it will get better.
I hope that in the future, if you ever get to read any of this, you can understand why I did this. I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Right now, what's best for you is learning to sleep.
I love you now and always.
